My news-feed should be concentrated information that I want to see. Unlike Facebook (Yes shade to Facebook) I don’t want to be overwhelmed with updates from people I forgot I was friends with, related to, and by companies that want to sell me everything from condoms to hoodies for a family reunion that I’m not attending or with flights to destinations that my loan shark, Sallie Mae wouldn’t approve of. Twitter is about curating an array of ideas limited to 140 characters from people across the globe. The first rule in curating is that not everyone makes the cut. The reasons below may offend some and we are okay with that, however there is room for improvement and you shouldn’t overtax yourself worrying about me following you, when the reality is, you wouldn’t want to follow yourself. Let’s refrain from asking for “Follow for a Follow”.
10 Reasons Why I Don’t Need To Follow You on Twitter
1) You’re racist, sexist and or homophobic.
Well, do we really need to explain this? In order to educate it may be best, but let’s not spend time waiting for bigots to evolve. Bye.
2) You don’t tweet.
Twitter is a two way street. I give my unsolicited opinions on current events and pop culture, and you give yours. If you don’t give yours, yet insist on religiously logging onto Twitter and following a few hundred people, you are stalking. If the only reason why you created your twitter account was to follow your boyfriend, his brother and his best friend… allow us to invite you to take a few seats. Stop creeping.
3) You’re ratchet.
Reading your unedited 140 character statements on my timeline is equivalent to watching Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta on Mondays and to be transparent, I can only stomach ratchet television on Monday nights. Well, Sunday nights as well when The Real Housewives of Atlanta are back in season. I don’t want to read about the trust issues you have with your boyfriend, how your roommate gets on your last nerve, and play by play on your not as entertaining as you think life.
4) You RT (Retweet) the wrong people.
I will follow all the humans I want to follow. An occasional retweet is awesome, if they are dope, I may even follow them. If you retweet more than you tweet, we have a problem. It’s simple. I follow you. I do not follow them. I want to hear your voice. Not theirs.
5) We are friends in real life.
You have my cell phone number. We hang out on the weekdays and almost every weekend. You know me. In real life. We have more than a social media relationship, let’s cherish that. If we are friends in real life and I choose to not follow you, don’t ask me why. As a matter of fact, you might be guilty of more than half of these reasons. If you are, it’s okay, remember we are friends in real life.
6) You’re a fake reality TV “star”.
To all my fake social media celebrities, my Instagram models, new age iPhone photographers and food enthusiasts…who you are on social media is NOT who you are in real life, so please take a roomful of seats. You don’t really know the celebs you “hanging with”, you ended up in the same space as them and asked them “Can I take a picture” and they said yes. Let’s be honest.
7) You’re An Egg
Twitter is where strangers become friends over 140 characters. It’s true. I’ve met amazing people on Twitter that have become really good friends, for now at least. We can’t start a relationship, even if it’s exclusive to Twitter, if you can’t show me your face. Is your profile pic an egg? Is your profile pic an inanimate object? Is your avi a celebrity? Show me your pretty face or we can’t talk.
8) You tweet in caps…like all the time.
Unless you’re a grandma and have trouble seeing your phone o_O, you should never tweet in caps. Life happens and sometimes you are subjected to run to Twitter to vent to strangers, but you can only do this once a month. If you need more, seek professional help.
9) Twitter does not replace texting.
There is no reason why you should have 30 tweets with you and your friend about where you hanging out on Friday. If you insist, the nice gentlemen and a few ladies at Twitter created the “Direct Message”. Utilize that resource because we don’t wanna see that.
10) You may have changed my diaper.
You’re my mom, dad and or grandmom, all of whom just learned how to text and haven’t figured out that Twitter is not a tool to send me messages that are better left off of social media. My friends and colleagues don’t want to hear about what happened to Uncle Joe. Please don’t take it personal if you and when you get blocked.